An Insider’s Report from Israel (Part One)

I visited Israel for the first time in the year 2000 when my son Max (now Rabbi Mordechai Levine) was in his third year of religious studies at Aish Hatorah in Jerusalem. He rented a studio apartment in the Old City for me and my traveling companion, my mom Rose, hired an anthropologist to take us on tours, and introduced us to his new friends, his Rabbis, and the life of Torah study and religious observance that he built for himself after graduating from UMass Amherst in 1997.

He never looked back.

Since then, I have visited my son and his family at least a dozen times. My purpose in traveling is no longer to “discover” Israel but to spend time 24/7 with the growing family. I wrote this article for my temple bulletin in response to many in the states who expressed interest in the everyday life of an Orthodox Jewish family.

My own reason for writing is to dispel myths and misconceptions about the religious community, held by Jews and non-Jews alike, by describing their way of life as I have come to understand it from the inside.

🇮🇱   WELCOME TO ISRAEL   🇮🇱

My son lives in a townhouse-style neighborhood in the hills and valleys surrounding Jerusalem, a half hour bus ride to the city and an hour from Ben Gurion Airport. I once told Mordechai that he didn’t have to meet me at the airport every time, that I knew by now how to find the Nesher vans. He answered, “Mom…do you know how important it is when a grandmother comes to visit?” My response, “Okay Mordechai, I’ll see you at the gate!”

My four granddaughters greet me with a huge Welcome Gramma poster and wait for the big ceremony, “The Opening of the Suitcase,” with all its treasures from America. When the girls were younger, I described the event as “The Pink Explosion.”

I sleep in a small upstairs bedroom with a single window overlooking the side of a steep and stony hill. An Arab shepherd herds goats along the dusty paths in the morning and early evening.

I’ve met most of the families in the neighborhood by now (including many Americans, and lots of former New Yorkers) who extend their hospitality and warmth to me. The fathers go off to their businesses, high-tech jobs, teaching positions, or Torah studies each day. Mordechai is administrator for a one-year program for post-high school young men and does wedding planning on the side. The mothers at home with young children may operate a daycare or a one-chair beauty salon, offer exercise classes or music lessons, conduct a therapy practice, run a professional photography studio, or engage in other resourceful measures to contribute to the family income.

Some families have vehicles, but many don’t. Gasoline is expensive, currently at $7.16 per gallon, even though Israel is in the heart of the Middle East.

THE ‘HOOD

There is much more of a laissez-faire attitude in Israel than here towards children playing outside unsupervised. The boys and girls fan out through the neighborhood after school and play street games in ever-changing groups, their high-spirited shrieks and chatter filling the hours until nightfall and dinner.

Religious families tend to be large (mid-single digits and into double digits). A large family is considered to be a blessing, an expression of the Biblical command to be fruitful and multiply. Playgrounds are located in nearly every space between apartment buildings to accommodate the vibrant family life — the older siblings keep an eye on the younger ones, there is not always a parent in view.

Baby strollers are everywhere; outdoor steps throughout the country are standardized to fit the wheels perfectly. When I return home, the lack of strollers in the street seems strange, at least until I’ve recovered from my jet lag.

On one visit, I saw boys and girls of various ages playing a game of “Jet Plane.” They lined up in two rows on the sidewalk, the “flight attendants” gave out snacks and cups of juice, another one collected the empties, some had sleeping masks and blankets because these kids travel a lot to visit family in the USA or elsewhere and know the drill. When the “pilot” yells “the plane is going to crash,” the kids fall all over each other screaming, then start to “swim” away from the plane, imaginations running happily wild.

The kids don’t go to movies and there is no television in the house or in any of the other religious homes that I have visited. How else would they have time to play outdoors till they crash?

COURTSHIP

When a young person is ready for marriage, he or she contacts a matchmaker (shadchan) for an extensive interview. The shadchan looks into their backgrounds and values, most importantly their mutual commitment to keeping a Jewish home and raising a religious family.

In the dynastic Hassidic families, it may be that the parents make commitments with another Hassidic family early on — the daughter of a prominent or Chief Rabbi is to marry the son of another prominent Rabbi.

I have learned that in the Orthodox community-at-large, there is more individual self-determination. Same as in modern secular societies, the young people must feel an attraction to each other — otherwise known as chemistry!

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Another significant factor is the religious background within Orthodoxy itself. It is preferable for both parties to have grown up in long-established religious families, or for both parties to come from a secular home, later choosing to embrace traditional Jewish life. The compatibility of backgrounds between the extended families as well as the couple makes sense.

There are young Jewish men from all over the English-speaking world studying in Jerusalem — South Africa, Canada, United States, England, Australia — and another key preference for the matchmaker to take into account is for the native languages to be the same.

Unlike “Yenta,” the legendary matchmaker of Fiddler on the Roof fame, the modern matchmaker does not try to persuade or control. Ultimately, the pair must feel completely comfortable with each other and give their full consent to the marriage.

The protocol for the young couple is to meet for coffee in a public place, usually the lobby of a big downtown hotel such as the Hilton or King David, converse over coffee, maybe take a walk. Holding hands or any form of touching is not permitted before marriage as this violates the values of modest behavior.

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After each date, the young man and young woman individually report back to the matchmaker. It remains to be seen if they genuinely like each other and — yes — fall in love. If one is not interested in continuing, it’s over. But if there are positive responses on both sides for a month or so, it’s time for a decision about the future.

Three or four months on average from the first date is a fairly typical timetable for the course of events leading up to a wedding.

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Instead of a honeymoon, there is a festive dinner (Sheva Bracha) hosted by a different friend or family member each night during the week following the wedding. The bride and groom are treated like royalty. Guests make speeches about the respective stellar attributes of the newlyweds and the promise of their lives together.

GROWING UP AND COMING OF AGE

My four granddaughters range in age from ten to fifteen and are fluent Hebrew and American English speakers. They attend the neighborhood school for girls only — the sexes do not learn together, even as children.

Helping them with their homework, I see how inconsistent and confusing English can be; e.g. move, love, and stove, all with “ove,” are pronounced three different ways, but “love” and “of” sound the same. We’ve spent many hours memorizing and taking quizzes on these inexplicable quirks embedded in the English language.

The girls enjoy enrichment activities such as keyboard, swimming lessons, gymnastics, exercise videos, photography with cameras (no smart phones), hanging out with their many best friends, babysitting, reading until they’ve consumed all the titles in the local library, trading stickers, tending to the plants on the terrace, doing science experiments (mini-volcanoes or growing rock crystals), playing board games, constructing Magna-tiles and furnishing doll houses. You’d feel at home here.

When I visit, we set out on excursions to the Jerusalem Zoo (for the monkey island habitat, the dozens of flamingos), the excellent science museum, the indoor mall where all ice cream flavors are Glatt Kosher. A favorite tour is the halavah factory with its warehouse of fifty pound sacks of sesame seeds piled high and free samples of the fresh product (try peanut butter, espresso bean, ginger, cinnamon, or banana flavors) off the production line.

We drive to the Mediterranean on late summer afternoons to swim in the warm waters at sunset — so beautiful, but the temperature surprisingly tepid, not entirely refreshing.

Three of the girls already had their Bas Mitzvahs, a festive twelfth birthday party for extended family and their best friends forever. There is no service at the synagogue as females are not called to read the Torah. They are, however, adept at reading and reciting daily prayers and the weekly parsha (Torah commentary).

Although the cultures are different, I see a similarity to the Quinceanera, a celebration of a girl’s fifteenth birthday originating in Latin American countries. But here, it’s a weekday event with no music and dancing, no fancy invitations, but lots of food and family feeling — and a reason for Gramma to visit from Boston!

STAY TUNED FOR PART TWO NEXT WEEK:

MODESTY IN DRESS AND BEHAVIOR

WHAT WE MOST ENJOY IS SHABBOS, AND

THE ISRAELI LEVINES GET A TASTE OF AMERICAN LIFE.