I attended an online benefit concert last night. James Taylor sang this song that I can’t get out of my head, but I’m glad it’s with me today, the seventh anniversary of my husband’s passing. My daughter and I had a tearful conversation last night but ended with a promise to each other to remember with joy the father and husband we had — and to get through the day staying positive in his merit.
In Jewish tradition, there is a roadmap of loss and grief that is based upon wisdom acquired over millennia.
For seven days, the family sits shiva at their home. Friends, family and community visit for an hour or two to pay their respects. The family’s normal life is on hold—no work, no school, no errands. Taking walks, telling stories, sharing meals, and a daily prayer service are intended to comfort the mourners. A large memorial candle lasts for the entire week.
The thirty days after the death (Shloshim) are a special time set apart from return to daily activities. The family refrains from attending parties, events, celebrations, travel, or entertainment. It is a more contemplative time in which to dwell on the memory of the deceased and start to prepare for and envision life without them.
During the first eleven months after the death, close family members recite Kaddish on a regular basis, a deeply meaningful prayer in which mourners essentially praise God even in the midst of loss. More observant people recite this daily; others attend synagogue on Shabbat (Saturday) to recite the prayer.
Sometime during the first year, when the headstone has been carved (traditionally six months later), a religious ceremony is conducted for the unveiling. It is a somber occasion at which the family gathers graveside for prayer and recollection. Although time has passed, the loss remains fresh, painful. The appearance of the permanent memorial makes it more real, and brings home, yet again, the absence of the beloved mother, father, grandparent, spouse, partner, brother, sister, child, friend.
Finally, on each anniversary of the death, the mourner lights a special candle (24 hour duration) and recites the Yahrzeit prayer to acknowledge the light of the soul of the departed. This is done for the rest of the mourner’s life to stay connected to the person lost and to express gratitude for the gift of their existence. Orthodox Jewish men will gather for a meal and Torah study session in tribute to the deceased.
This repetitive timeline is comforting to many as they traverse their journey to healing—and for a long time after that too. By these measures, the community with its traditions continues to recognize the pain of the loss and the extent and duration of grief. This is what “moving forward” or “moving on” means in the most sensitive and respectful sense of those words.
Losing a life partner is a lonely experience, searing the grieving soul on the inside and devastating the life of the mourner on the outside.
Even so, we say these comforting words to each other, May their Memory be for a Blessing.
PAUL J. LEVINE November 18, 1935—December 4, 2013
🍁 🍁 🍁 🍁 🍁 🍁 🍁 🍁
Tuesday
ink black night
rain pounding the windows
sheets of mad water
Wednesday
death pronouncement
in a hospice room
exiting, a widow
Thursday
writing editing spelchecking the eulogy
Friday morning
choosing pressing donning the black dress
Friday afternoon
a shovel passes from hand to hand the mound grows smaller *
Saturday
prayer books
neatly placed on folding chairs
my house a sacred place
Sunday
will I remember will I forget will I remember will I forget will I remember will I forget . . . .
Monday
wick drowning
in a pool of wax
darkness of mourning begins
Tuesday
I am older by seven days and a death
Thirty days
re-entry into the atmosphere
crashing
on the open sea
One year later
brushing the dirt off his stone
I ruin a pair of fine leather gloves
no matter to me
Following year
greenish-brown
changing with the light
my husband’s eyes
from what I remember
Now
lending out his scissors to a friend/steel blades flying again
🕊 🕊 🕊 🕊 🕊 🕊 🕊 🕊
*monoku published in Under the Basho November 2020
That was beautiful, Barrie. I remember Paul’s quiet disposition and kindness. Your poetry is a perfect complement to the Jewish practices you outline above it. May his memory be for a blessing.
Thank you Lauren — and I’m loving your blog, well done!
Your message is beautiful and I am touched by your words and memories.
I remember being there with you in the first week after Paul’s death and wanting to offer comfort, but feeling the impossibility of that task.
I love you and cherish Paul’s memory along with you.
What Donna said!
Thank you cousins! for reading and commenting and being fabulous women 💗
Beautiful words filled with love, loss and memory.
Thank you Carol. Getting through Chanukah is hard for me, the seventh candle always the day after Yahrzeit.
So relatable, as usual, Barrie. Josh’s birthday is next week — it would’ve been his 80th — so your words hit home. Remembering our sweethearts even more than usual. ❤️🥲
Thank you Sandie. I was at the cemetery on December 4th, said Hi to Josh . . . .
So well put, Barrie. The daily stanzas are so you, especially 1st Wed. and 2nd Tues. Thanks for sharing.
Hi Donald, and thanks for following my blog. My life is an open book . . . .
What a beautiful tribute to Paul. Sending you virtual hugs today.
Thank you Judy. Hugs always appreciated. Miss the times we used to chat at breakfast at family events.
Beautiful, heartfelt, evocative and descriptive. Yours words continue to astonish.
Hugs
Thank you for the string of compliments — inspires me to keep on writing. Hope you and yours are faring well, my friend 💗
My God, Barrie, those poems! They are absolutely devastating!
Thank you Davida for reading my blog. Your comment thrills me. You can see that I am devoting my poetic endeavors to haiku — which includes monoku, a one liner. Sending my appreciation to you, you’ve been such a strong supporter of my writing from the beginning.
Beautiful!
Thank you Kathy for your loyal readership!
Just beautiful Barrie.
💚💙💜 thanks dear Judi
Whoahhhh Barrie…..this one…..Wowwww. This one blows way past my ability to summarize in word. I feel it…boom….right here in my chest. You’re so cool. You didn’t tell me about the significance of those scissors. It was an honor and blessing to wield them. I love the Yahrzeit candle; what it signifies. Shine on and on and on into infinity….
Frank Armitage
Thank you Frank for reading each and every one of my blogs. You are a good friend, and came into Paul’s life at just the right time 🕯 🕯 🕯
Dearest Barrie, blessing to you my friend. You are such a gifted loving person. I feel so deeply for you. May you find solice in the thought that Paul will be forever in your heart and thoughts. I tear up for you my fragile, delicate friend. Sending you my love and prayers. Thinking of you at this time…
Dear Magdeld, thank you for everything you said, my friend from afar but no matter! I shall always appreciate your loving words. I wish you a peaceful holiday, however you celebrate in this year like no other . . . just be sure to stay safe.
when I finally found you. I found another part of you I didn’t know…..
there have been so many deaths this last month…and Marcia was the first from Covid19.
I saw you at the cemetery standing under a tree and then way back fro those attending. I din’t get invited. I didn’t know about it and somebody called told and I said I would attend the funeral they said they weren’t going and it was going be intimate and only a few …and I shouldn’t go. I thought since she had no children was alone I should no matter what. when I got there the person who told me he wasn’t going, was there. I am glad I went and there were more for her than I expected! She was a sweet person, and I only saw her at the Shabbat dinners. I was happy to see you there! I read your piece about Paul. You were an exceptional couple! You are an exceptional and kind human being! YOUR WRITING is terrific and after reading the first one about rites & observances in our Jewish faith, I have signed up to read more. Stay well dear one! I have a book for you, fun and spiritual, will send it. You will love it, to be read ‘one-a-day’. short and sweet.
I am glad you found David. I asked to help edit and told him what I thought! It was displayed For Sale at the Lanesville ‘Flat Rock Gallery’ awhile ago. liz e.
Hi Liz, and thank you for reading and commenting on my blog piece. I appreciate each and every one of my readers.
And yes, the loss of my friend Marcia is a tragedy I am trying to deal with, it was Covid. There was a 20 person limit for her funeral. It was such a somber event, completely unexpected as she was fine just the week before. I am very strict about safety measures so I stayed further away from the service.
I did receive your phone calls and will respond soon as I can.
I hope you are well, Barrie